Americans expressing hate for The Sound of Music Live on NBC awoke today to find that their pretty little souped up four wheel drives had been keyed. There were hundreds of calls to police stations all over the nation, as complainants lamented the ugly slashes across both the driver- and passenger-sides of their automobiles.
“The evidence seems to indicate that someone has unleashed vast amounts of pent-up rage on these vehicles overnight,” said Sergeant Christophe Pipefitter of the North Bend Police Department. “I don’t know what could’ve caused this person to go off, but it had to be something big.”
Owners of cars with leather seats reported that their upholstery had been shredded beyond recognition into the semblance of a name. The damage was so bad it was unclear which name exactly, but some victims were able to make out the letter “C” amid the carnage.
There were also reports of headlight damage and holes in tires across America. A Louisville slugger was found abandoned in a vacant lot in Salem, Massachusetts. It was taken into evidence and is being dusted for prints, but authorities aren’t optimistic about finding a suspect.
“We got an anonymous tip that the perpetrator took to the mountains in hopes of immigrating to another country,” Pipefitter said. “I think we’re gonna have to put this one to bed in the cold case file.”
But going to bed might be hard for the hundreds of victims whose cars have been vandalized.
“I went to bed, because the sun had,” said a tearful and exhausted Gretyl VonderKemp of Hoboken, New Jersey. “And look what happened. I never expected to wake up to this.”
“You should’ve seen my boyfriend Ralph’s expression when he saw his Hummer,” Gretyl’s sixteen-going-on-seventeen-year-old sister seconded. “There’s no way to describe the sense of violation. We were totally unprepared to face this.”
Police said the MO is reminiscent of some vehicular crimes that had swept the nation in 2007, coinciding with the release of the album Some Hearts.
Carrie Underwood, who happened to be nearby fording streams and following rainbows, reiterated her comments of earlier this week. “Mean people need Jesus.” Underwood also cited the Biblical passage, 1 Peter 2:1-25.