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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Onion Cats

(All I can say by way of explanation is: It's Nanowrimo and I'm sorry, cat lovers.)   

Big Three Automaker Unveils Car Fueled by Cats

  In response to consumer demand for more fuel efficient car options, Dingler Automotive has revealed a new technology that enables engines to run on cats. This is a huge step toward the automaker’s ultimate goal of keeping foreign electric-car manufacturers overseas where they freaking belong.
      “If you can’t beat them, ban them,” said automotive CEO Robert Gangston. “I don’t like electric cars myself. I’m old-fashioned. Give me a good old gas-guzzler any day. But when our consumers made it clear they wanted options, I was happy to oblige.”
     The felines used for fuel fall within a wide range of breeds, including Siamese, Bermese, Persian and American Short-hair.
     “We tried to nab some of those ugly hairless cats to test the engines too,” said Lynn Ellerton, engineering lead on the project. “Unfortunately, it turns out hairless cats are rare, so we had to settle for tabbies. There are tons of tabbies running wild on the streets of Detroit.”
     Consumers can also stock up on superfluous cats at animal shelters or on the foreclosed properties of creepy cat people, as well as through retailers specializing in car accessories.
     Abducting neighbors’ cats for fuel is not recommended.

     “In this global market, people are even harder to satisfy,” said Gangston. “Addressing their tedious needs sometimes calls for drastic measures. Companies like Tesla feel they can come over here and provide a product just because some new-fangled market research has deemed it desirable to US citizens. Never mind that our engineers have worked their asses off to come up with two—count them, two—electric car models over the years. It’s never enough. From an automotive standpoint, the jump from gas to electricity to cats made perfect sense.”
     So as not to make a mountain out of a molehill, the controversial research was secretively performed in an abandoned warehouse smack in the middle of a blight-infested downtown neighborhood. Gangston confirmed that the engineering team had to forcibly remove twelve squatting crackheads in order to proceed.

    “They went above and beyond,” he said.
     The hard-won results promise to revolutionize fuel economy. Each cat equates to approximately 100 miles of driving (107 highway), saving the typical driver thousands of dollars per year in fuel. Auto emissions will likewise be improved, since the festering wounds from cat fights are contained in special fuel compartments that facilitate the cat-powered engines. Bodily fluids are then secreted out the tailpipe, where they will be washed down into the sewer system, which NHTSA is quick to point out doesn’t fall under the regulatory organization’s jurisdiction.
     “We don’t do sewers, thank God,” NHTSA said. “Just air emissions.”
      In a stroke of poetic brilliance, the automaker is letting the cat out of the bag just in time for cooler weather. Drawn to the heat of cooling engines, the felines have a tendency to mold their bodies to the metal undercarriages of cars in driveways and parking spaces. Many speculate that means the animals had it coming. In fact, They Have It Coming is the tagline of the ad campaign that will accompany the cat-engine launch.
     “I’ve got all these alerts on my facebook feed to check underneath my car to make sure I don’t run over any cats,” said Gangston. “Anything stupid enough to crawl up under there gets just what it deserves. This time next year you’ll be able to grab the cat, insert it in the appropriate compartment and be on your merry way! Unless it’s a skunk. Don’t try it with a skunk.”
    The automaker’s stock rose slightly with the unveiling. Shareholders and automotive employees are optimistic that their leaders are on the right track to continued recovery from the recession of 2008.
     “That’s what I call enterprise: popping pussies into cars,” said Ernest “Sweeney” Hobninger, a union steward at the Lovett Road assembly plant. “At the very least, it should do wonders to control the stray cat population.”
     Our publisher contacted the Humane Institute of America, but the organization was too dumb-struck at press time to issue a comment.
     When asked if there were any concerns about citations of noise pollution, what with all that yowling going on, Gangston chuckled.
I know, he looks a lot like Christian Grey.
    “I can’t believe we’ve done this entire interview with you thinking the cats are alive. The cats are dead, you silly goose. I mean, anything else would be considered inhumane. What kind of monsters do you think we are here in Detroit? No, wait. Don’t answer that.”
     The first model to make use of the new technology is the 257 cat-power Twitch SE. It will be spotlighted at the 2015 auto show in January.


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