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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I'm a Sharpie

This Wimp-out Wednesday, I'm voicing my most recent professional aspiration: to be the Sharpie marker of the writing world! This isn't as weird as it sounds. Think about it. When a person strikes out to pursue a profession, doesn't he strive to be the expert in his field? And who's the king (or queen) of markers? Yes! No! (Crayola? Seriously, dude? Go home, you're drunk!) The answer I was going for is Sharpie, of course! (Duh!)
     As a Sharpie marker, I'd be a household name synonymous with bold writing (or at least writing in bold).
I'd embrace all colors. I would not wash out--except with hand sanitizer. (Interesting side note: as an enabler of resistant bacteria, hand sanitizer just might be the death of us all.) Where was I? Oh yeah, I'd cling to many surfaces, refusing to run (unless someone's big, clumsy hand smears over me before I've dried). I'd be the badass marker equivalent of Katniss Everdeen, representing order and justice, ensuring all items get back to their rightful owners.
    That's not to say I don't have a mischievous side. (Far be it from me to take myself too seriously.) Who better to "tattoo" a passed-out person at a party? Or--in a more innocent scenario--the first teen to succumb to Mr. Sandman at a sleepover? At concerts, I'd become a Sharpie Harpie, stalking bands to get an autograph and illustrating my superior persistence.
     As a Sharpie, even my scent would be intoxicating to some. Inhale at the risk of getting high! I'd be the quintessential team player. G'head, pair me with name tags, and I become a must-have at every social, professional and academic function. I'm also the tool of choice when you can't afford a ton of mistakes. The less confident choose pencils. The con artists opt for Etch a Sketch. Only the self-assured go right for the Sharpie. I'm as permanent as permanent gets.
     Just to clarify: I'd be an original Sharpie, not a Rub a Dub. (Rub a Dub? What's the point of a Sharpie that's not permanent? Oxymoron alert!) Then again, I'm not one to resist change. If a non-permanent permanent marker will enrich someone's life, I'm all for it. Like I said: the Sharpie marker of the writing world. Excuse me whilst I screw my cap back on.
Only thing is, if I persist in this sedentary writer's life, I could end up a Magnum!


  1. Jen, there will be a knock on your door. Two guys in white coats. Hint: don't tell them you're a Sharpie.

  2. Ha! I'm not afraid of white coats. As a Sharpie, I'm their worst nightmare (provided they don't have a person who thinks she's hairspray in the truck).