Try it. You’ll like it.
Translation: Try new things, even if your first instinct is to make like Mikey and clamp your mouth shut in a really bratty fashion. It's not the new thing that is giving you indigestion but your tendency to stress, so stop it.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.
Translation: If you get skunked while out with friends, stay out, loitering, until one of you by some miracle sobers up and can navigate the ride home. If this sounds as questionable to you as it does me, try making a really prudish friend who doesn’t mind staying sober. Hopefully, when you attempt to get into your car, he (or she—most likely, she, in fact) will claw your keys away from you while droning out the aforementioned mantra.
Don’t squeeze the Charmin.
Translation: This one’s self-explanatory. I feel the need to add, in the interest of common sense however, that not squeezing won’t get you out of changing the roll. Certain people might claim they’re unable to touch the stuff without losing control. To those people I say, get a grip. (Just make sure your grip is softer than a squeeze.)
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t.
Translation: There will be moments in your life when you believe yourself to be on the brink of insanity. Don’t worry. That moment will pass, yielding to a certainty that you’re no crazier than anyone else. It’s all good.
I’m a Pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?Translation: While it’s tempting to succumb to this badgering, what it boils down to is a devious incarnation of a mob mentality. And that’s never good. Try to resist and keep your options open. It’s okay to like Coke better one day and chug an ice-cold Pepsi the next. That’s your right as a consumer. Don’t ever feel pressured to join up with any gork who tries to convince you that Dr. Pepper is some edgy, subversive, revolutionary drink. Dude, even Dr. Pepper is a waffler, distributed by Coke in some areas and Pepsi in others. And it doesn’t have a grain of Pepper in it, last I checked. So don’t commit to being a Pepper unless you are truly a believer. You’re better than that.
Footnote: If you haven’t guessed, this is my guiding ad slogan for politics.
Dirty mouth? Clean it up.
Translation: If you go around swearing like a sailor, you won’t have cause to smile much, and no one will see how it brings out that comely sparkle in your front tooth. And also, chew gum or your breath will be an abomination.
Celebrate the moments of your life.Translation: Enjoy it while you can. ‘Nuff said.
When you care enough to send the very best.
Translation: Instances in which you’ll want to send someone the best ,via snail mail, on your own dime instead of your company’s will be few and far between. So it’s okay to splurge and spend six dollars on a greeting card.
Be all that you can beTranslation: Always feel guilty whenever you’re sitting around doing nothing because it is a luxury not everyone has. What’s more, if you don’t rouse yourself right now and find something worthwhile to do, your innards will slowly liquefy, shaving three years or more off your life.
Because I’m worth it.
Translation: That woman, the one on the screen who is far prettier and thinner than you’ll ever be, deserves all the money and fame people have thrown at her. You, on the other hand, deserve this: a modest salary commensurate with your experience, three square meals a day (unless you’re going to try that wacky Atkins thing again), on average twenty facebook posts to your wall on your birthday, and sex once every blue moon if you’re lucky.
The heartbeat of America is today’s Chevrolet.
Translation: This country and what it symbolizes are as timeless as that rusted out piece of crap up on blocks in your red-neck neighbor’s backyard. So even though it is an eyesore, and probably a danger, let the schmuck next-door keep up his efforts to restore it. After all it’s a free country. Plus maybe he can salvage something.